"They told me that I should come to him. Metatron told me that I could come home. I just wanted to go home. […] I will rather die than owe my life to you, Castiel. Play at being noble. Play at being one of us. But when I look into your eyes, I don’t see an angel staring back at me."
This scene. This dialogue. I am kind of unable to really put into words the emotions that were washing over me both times I watched this episode. There is SO much here. The gentleness and desperation in Cas’ eyes. The sadness in Josiah’s. There is just so much pain and wishing of belonging. I don’t really have a good explanation as to why this whole dialogue, but especially Josiah’s words about Metatron telling him to come to him and that he just wanted to go home, send major shivers down my spine in relation to Dean’s arc and the season finale… It’s horrible really. Somehoe my crazy mind is seeing Dean after having turned the blade on himself (and barely recognizable from the person he used to be) and slowly dying and saying ” I just wanted to go home” out of my head and him refusing to let Cas heal him, because he thinks he isn’t worth Cas spending his last bits of grace on him, because of everything he did and he has become… Someone please tell my brain to stop leaking these horrible ideas onto me, it’s painful as hell… ;_;